Crushed!

I don’t know about girls, but every (normal) male born, wailing emphatically into the vortex of this big blue planet is supposed to be physically attracted to someone of the opposite sex. And these new-age teens have even given this attraction a name. Crazy it may sound, but when you find a girl rather ah… attractive, they say, you’ve got a crush on her! I’ve often wondered how this ‘temporary love of an adolescent’ (to borrow a definition from the Merriam Webster Dictionary) got itself associated with such a heartless term. Perhaps it could be due to the intense emotional crush undergone by the love-struck teen pursuing the travails of his heart. Or even because of that crushing sensation our neighborhood teen gets to ‘enjoy’ after a male relative (in most cases, a dear sibling) of his ‘subject’ decides that enough is enough & goes on to crush our guy-next-door!!

Almost each and every (male) friend of mine has admitted that he has/had a crush on someone. The subjects of their crushes are far and wide. From that low-waists wearing hottie in the tuition class (being products of a boys’ school, tuitions were our only outlet for ‘exposure’!) to the quintessential Condom model, no ‘sexy’ girl would escape their prying eyes! But such crushes would be momentary; just enough for a random ‘arousal’ or in extreme cases, the topic of a heated debate after lunch. Nothing more. However, many have even had rather serious crushes. Some have even garnered courage and proposed to their lady-loves, only to hear I’ve-only-seen-you-as-a-brother’s or Let’s-be-good-friend’s. A couple of them could however manage a ‘yes’ from their female objects-of-attraction. And, If what I hear is true, those relationships are still going strong!!

Speaking of which, I’m reminded of my own story, or rather, stories. Yeah! I’m no saint either! In fact, the number of crushes I’ve had is almost equal to the number of days between 2003 and 2005! To be more specific, I had a staggering crush-rate of one a day!! In the midst of day-crushes, I also had some 5 serious crushes (the lattermost & final of which almost changed my life, literally that is). But, such day-crushes would be momentary, just lasting for a 500th of a second, or once in a blue-moon for a whole day if the subject was so extraordinarily er… ‘appealing’. Being an introvert of sorts, I never used to share my crush-stories quite unlike my loud-mouthed friends, which obviously gave me a saintly-aura!

Most of my crushes were STRS/STCS girls. I’m a big fan of the St. Thomas School girls’ uniform! I mean, it’d make even an average looking girl look quite smart. So, every girl donning the St. Thomas uniform assuredly had my second look 😉 (Santhomites & once-upon-a-time santhomites please excuse. I’m in now way trying to downgrade your school!! Please don’t sue me for this!!! I’m already in grave financial stakes…) Even today, my ST girl finder hormones haven’t lost much of their old zing! I still can spot out any Santhomite girl from a crowd…

Holy Angels’ (ISC) girls also topped my crush list. In fact, three of my five ‘serious’ crushes were HACites. There’s been this talk of the ‘fatal attraction’ between Loyola School & Holy Angels ISC for long. Most Loyolites scoff at it, but I’m a frontrunner! Being the only Boys’ & girls’ ISC schools in town, this so-called ‘fatal attraction’ was just too obvious. From time immemorial, various tuition classes (or rather, entrance coaching classes) in the city have witnessed countless proposals between the two. And, yes, many such Loyola-HAC relationships have survived the tide of times!! It was only the other day that I’d heard about the marriage of a Senior Loyolite to an ex-HACite. It was actually a relationship that had bloomed in their good-old tuition days. And, by some quirk of fate, both landed up in the same college (CET) in the same class!! And, the rest as they say is… (Oh come on!! Don’t wanna repeat that cliché again!!)

Coming back to my story, I’d begun my serious-crush-saga in the vacation prior to the commencement of the 10th standard. The intense coaching for the ‘demanding’ 10th standard topics would begin right in the vacation. Like almost every one of my classmates, parents forced me to go for mathematics tuition to a certain famed Sir (who tutored almost 75% of all ICSE students in the city). It was the third of April, 2003, the first day I’d stepped into a tuition class. The class was more like a beehive, bustling with activity. 80-odd boys & girls were squeezed into a classroom the size of a slightly-undersized regular-drawing room. Since I’d come late, I took some time to spot my classmates who’d seated themselves in the second bench, chattering loudly about everything under the sun.

The bench was too crowded, so I had to seat my then-65kg frame onto the left edge of this already-full bench. The girls’ benches were exactly to my left and were perpendicularly-placed to ours. So, I could get a clean view 😀 Still, I didn’t dare look at that side for fear of being taunted by my friends. When the class almost over after about one hour & 45 minutes, I managed a quick glimpse of the left side. It was then that I noticed this girl wearing blue salwars. She had a cute-round face, adorable eyes, and silky hair which could even make a Sunsilk-model shy! The goddess-like beauty of her face was a bit marred by her slightly-protruding teeth, but still, she had a grace in every movement of hers’. I thought about her the whole day. That night, I even dreamt about talking to that girl. It was the beginning of my first serious-crush. ! Let’s call her ‘L’ for conveniences’ sake. I also learnt later that she was in Holy Angels’ ISC.

Days, weeks & months passed. The first terminal exams were over. I couldn’t even manage average grades for the exams. It was constant turmoil at home. I was sad, desperate, and hopeless about my academics. Yet, Tuesday mornings and Saturday evenings were most awaited. I could at least get to see her. I’d complete all my Maths tuition assignments right in time & spend sleepless nights preparing for Tuition-tests, just to impress her with my marks(However, I’d never secured more than 70% for any major test, while ‘L’ never got marks less than that!). But, apart from a few glances few and far between, she’d never even noticed me! Still, I didn’t lose hope…

One fine Saturday evening I was joyfully walking to the Maths class, humming the ‘Girlfriend’ song from Boys. To my delight, I saw L’s father dropping her, right in front of me! I was on top of the world!! Finally, I’d got my opportunity to talk to her… Lady luck, it seemed wasn’t actually that inclined towards me. A few batchmates of hers’ materialized from nowhere, and soon, they were off together. Cursing my fate, I reduced my speed and mutely followed them, maintaining a safe distance in-between. Though L and her friends were somewhat ahead of me, I could clearly hear their hushed sing-song voices. What I heard, thanks to my ‘elephant’ ears, almost gave me a shock!! They were talking about me!!!(Apparen
tly they hadn’t noticed me walking behind them) L’s friends were constantly teasing her, speaking about me, about how I kept staring at her all the time and that I had a crush on her. I could hear her, angrily retorting, saying how I looked more like an E.T. kinda’ freak and all… Looking back, I can still say, It was one of the WORST days of my life…

I mean, from the day I was born, I was under the impression that I was quite unique in terms of looks. Almost every adult, who’d seen me when I was I child used to remark how cute I looked. When I was termed a ‘freak’ and that too, by my first crush, I was shattered. There couldn’t have been a better way to bruise my ego. I couldn’t listen to class that day, and was unforgivingly scolded by sir. (I could see L’s guffaws from the corner of my eye, when I was on the verge of tears). For a week or so, I was actually not on Planet Earth. The realization that I was a freak caught over me, spreading over my body like a disease. I was beginning to hate myself, and was even toying with the idea of suicide!!(Mind you, I wasn’t even 16 years old then!!) Thankfully, an hour long rendezvous with God (in our Puja room, one Saturday, when parents were not at home) brought me back in action… I vowed that I’d never even look at L again, and that I’d concentrate on my studies.

After the L incident, I’d cut down a lot on my mouth-looking(translate that to Malayalam). I finally managed not to keep staring at L’s ‘adorable eyes’. And, I can rightly say that It WAS a turning point in my life. If L hadn’t said that, I wouldn’t even have secured a meager 80% for the 10th boards. Post L I’d decided to take studies (somewhat) seriously. The overnight preparations to impress L also boosted my aptitude for Maths. So, the once-most-loathed subject became the most-loved one!!(It still is, as a matter of fact and, I need to thank L wholeheartedly!!) And, last but never the least; I was relieved of the misconception that I’m passably-handsome!! 😉 However, till date, I’ve had this burning desire to talk to L at-least once about the whole fiasco and it hasn’t happened yet!!

They say, Laws are made to be broken. So are vows. After about two months of self-imposed ‘celibacy’ and a trip to Sabarimala, It was back to basics. This time, I’d learnt to restrain myself, though. I already had this L thing like a splinter in my mind; so, I’d decided that I wouldn’t be too ah… ‘serious’ the next time. My next ‘target’ was an above-average looking STRS girl. I also went the ‘marks’ way this time, studying hard. And, I could clock neat 80 – 85% for some tests. I was almost about to hook the STRS girl, when I finally heard her voice one fine Tuesday morning. It was appalling, almost resembling a croaking frog! I began to loathe her from that instant.

After the STRS crush, I’d remained decent for about a year or so. The pressure of the 10th board exams left me no time for ‘crushing’. I’d even taken a break from routine day-crushing sessions. It took some time to get going again, that too, after the commencement of the plus two. It so happened that due to my impressive 10’th board exam marks, parents decided to send me to the same famed – Sir for tuition (I had many classmates for company this time also…). Sir’s class actually paved way for my ‘final’ crush… This happened when I was in the 11th standard. Sir had this habit of questioning every student about the topics taught the previous day. The seating arrangement was the same as in the 10th, and I was sitting intact in the second bench. However, there were a few girls’ benches this time about two rows behind us.

On a fateful Wednesday morning, Sir was asking a few formulae from Progressions. Having answered my question, I was sitting peacefully, nonchalantly eyeing a few passably-cute HAC girls on my left, while Sir had proceeded to the back-benchers for questioning. It was then that I’d heard that jaw-droppingly cute voice. Almost as if in reflex, I turned back, only to see the girl, who’d be my longest-standing crush & who’d upturn my life altogether…

She was the most-beautiful of the tuition-girls & towered over her classmates with her 5’7” tall body. Her face was gracious, almost resembling a Michelangelo Sculpture – the pinnacle of perfection! Those alluring eyes had a definitive aura about them. Her almost-waist-length hair lay over her shoulders in two plaits, as required of her SV school uniform… For a moment or so, I was in heaven, you can call it a split-second nirvana!! It was as if Goddess Saraswathi had allowed me a personal visit…

I WAS IN LOVE!!!

From that day, not a single waking moment passed without her thoughts interrupting me. I could never forget that angelic face. I’d be dying for Wednesday and Saturday mornings. (Let me call her ‘K’ this time for conveniences’ sake.) I did my best to inquire about ‘K’, as discreetly as possible. I came to know that ‘K’ was actually much in ‘demand’. She’d already received countless proposals, but had laughingly rejected every single one of them. To my dismay, a pleasingly ‘cute’ classmate of mine also had a crush on her!! (If rumours have their way, I think he’s still inclined to her…) From my previous experiences with L, I’d decided to moderate my impulses, and focus on studies. And, I’d daresay, I was a bit successful this time. I could manage decent 70% – 80% marks for tuition-tests, despite gaping at K whenever I got the opportunity.

The so-called turning point came at the start of the 12th standard. It so happened that I’d switched my Physics tuition. The previous Sir’s classes were a bit, err… above my head. So, I’d decided to go to the other famed sir(whose name is synonymous to ‘Physics tuition’ in Trivandrum these days…). K also was at this sir’s place. Due to the change of timings, my chemistry tuition would be disrupted, and consequently I’d to change over to a different batch. To my pleasant surprise, K was also there with me…

By now, you might’ve guessed the ‘turning point’. Sorry folks! Better luck next time… I DIDN’T propose to her!! (In fact, I haven’t had a word with her in person till date…) Having got the opportunity to see her everyday, I kept gaping at her all the time (By then, I’d almost unanimously, but unofficially, won the mouth-looker of the year trophy!!). I can easily say, sans exaggeration, I kept thinking of her EVERY MOMENT. Studies were totally messed up. With the arrival of LA Fest (for dummies: It’s the insanely-popular interschool cultural festival hosted by Loyola), in which I’d an important role (which incidentally made me famous and gave me an additional nickname: ‘Chentamara’), I never even got a proper glimpse of my study room for two months or so. Still, by some quirk of fate, I could still manage neat 70%s, In fact I actually topped a physics test at this new sir’s place.

But, my academic ‘excellence’ didn’t last for long. Marks soon were on free fall. Failing in tuition tests had become an experience. I couldn’t manage to learn a word of anything! I kept thinking of K all day, and all night! Last-minute study sessions bought me pass-marks in School-exams, but that was it! I faced the wrath of parents & teachers alike. Meanwhile, board exams were fast approaching,
and slam books kept pouring in!! Fresh from reading the Da Vinci code, I wrote K’s name in the ‘Your Crush’ column in a friend’s slam book, using a simple cipher scrambling, confident that no one’s goanna guess it. But I was wrong! The would-be IITians didn’t need more than a couple of seconds to decode it. The cat was out of the bag!! Everyone knew about my one-sided affair with XEVFUAN (that was what I’d written in that God-forsaken slam book…)

Time moved fast, Models, boards, entrances all got over within a flash. I’d managed a measly 81.5% for the boards (Still can’t figure out how I could get at least THAT mark), and a 2000+ Kerala Engg. Entrance rank. Even after letting a crush ruin my life to such extent, I didn’t lose hope. I heard she’d got a 4000+ rank & that she’d mostly join the college which I was planning to join. I met her through orkut & we often chatted through Y! Messenger. But, her ‘tone’ was always distant & cold. After the much-postponed Engineering allotments (that took place in September end), I was allotted a seat in Govt. Engg. College Barton Hill TVM, while she was to study in a college at Kollam. That was the final nail in the coffin!! I decided to leave her…
Looking back at the whole God-forsaken-mess I’d made of my life, I realize that I’d just ignored my life & my parents just for a girl! (Note this line, It might be of use in future!!) Even so, I hadn’t even conveyed her my love. I’d crushed my life, pursuing a crush! So, what did I learn from this?? Just one thing… Teenage love is CRAP(Not just CRAP, it’s MEGA CRAP!!!) Don’t go by the impulses of your heart. If you think you ‘love’ a girl, go to hell dude…!! Tell yourself that you’ve got better things to do in life. You can do enough ‘crushing’ after you secure your future… Otherwise you’d end up like me…

Alright, I know I’ve got to put up a final full-stop to this obnoxiously-long post. And, all I’d like to do is to reiterate my final point. Friendship is loads better than what you people called ‘love’. It’s not bad to have relationships with members of the opposite sex. They’d be buddies for life. So, if you feel for a girl in the your teenage years, there’s no other go but to control your emotions. They’re just ‘temporary constructs of your feeble human intellect’ (Yeah, I know I stole that line!) There’s nothing like perfectly-true love in the 21st century. That doesn’t mean you desperately need to end relationships with one-night stands! After a lot of contemplation, if you STRONGLY feel that what you have for him/her is true love, go for it!! But, when you’re in love, make sure you aren’t desperately obsessed with the relationship. Even if it breaks, you need to have the will-power to smilingly come out of it, unscathed. ‘coz, to quote a self-edited version of a Bon Jovi song, “It’s your life, it’s just now or never… Just wanna live for ever…”

P.S.
The story is not over yet. You’d remember me telling about the five serious crushes I’ve had. I didn’t speak about the two minor crushes that’d taken place in-between.  Both were HACites. And, I’m friends with both of them now!! I’d met one of my ex-crushes a few months back, and we contact each other regularly. She’s one of my best friends now, and actually inspired me to write this post (I’d told her about the crush thing, and she had an hour-long fit of laughter!!) 😀 I occasionally chat with the other person in orkut.