Awake and Dreaming.

My room was dark for most parts – lit sparsely by a conglomerate of the flickering lights from my router and the blinking ‘HDD’ light from the PC’s cabinet. Yes, bits and bytes from Peer to Peer connected computers at some remote corner of the world were streaming into my PC’s hard-disc, as I lay idle on my bed. The ceiling fan whirred incessantly, the emanated sounds carefully following a pattern established by Christian Doppler’s rules, sending a wave of cold deep into my spine, making my teeth rattle. It was raining outside. I could hear the faint sounds made by forlorn drops of water splattering onto the surface. If I would go out, maybe I’d get the smell of fresh earth – the aroma of the first rain of the season. But it had rained earlier today, and the stingy attacks of mosquitoes would be the only thing greeting me if I’d venture out onto the terrace.

I was lounging, immersed in thoughts. 2:25 AM, and I had not found my sleep.

The sleeplessness could rightly be attributed to the Nobel Prize winning author, Mr. Orhan Pamuk and his tedious, but deeply inspiring novel – My Name is Red. I had finished reading it only an hour ago; Perhaps I was a tad too stirred by its simple and elegant poignancy. A simple meditation technique from the YES+ course I recently attended would get me back to Morpheus’ arms. But I chose not to. I hadn’t spent time with myself in a while. Soul searching? A part of my cerebrum muttered a silent ‘Yes’ to billions of n

I saw my life flash by my eyes. From those wee days of childhood to the angst of today. I reminisced every moment that had left a mark in my memory. All the countless setbacks, the occasional bouts of joy, the random moments of euphoria, the wild streaks of suppressed anger, the countless crushes… All of them rushed back into my memory with surprising agility. My mind was in a quest, a Quest beyond eternity (with due regards to blogger extraordinaire Amit Vijay). I was maniacally unnerved – I had no reason to be so! I’d never had such a wonderful day in the recent past. Today, I met up with my siblings and had a very wonderful lunch! We spent a few hours together and it was total fun – the three of us shared such raucous laughs, and I momentarily forgot that I was actually a lone wolf. Their love and care was so endearing. Yet… a discordant note of dissonance resonated deep within my mind!

I still had decisions to make and enormous problems to solve.

Everytime I face a dire constraint, I control myself with the usual burst of obnoxious optimism. Obnoxious, yes. Only consistent hours of strenuous work, suitably assisted by an agile mind, would solve my issues, and I still had miles to go before I sleep. I’ve never found real satisfaction and happiness, till this very moment. Art of Living brought me closer to it, and I had some of the happiest days of my life during the course and I’m a new man thanks to it, but… I still have targets to achieve.

For a while now, I’ve been doing my best to get into an IIM. I wouldn’t call my preparation satisfactory, for, the work I’m putting in isn’t at par with what you’d expect from the ten lakh-odd CAT aspirants in the nation. Maybe, I need to put in more hours of work. But, with acad pressures looming large, it’s getting tough by the day! 🙁

But again, like all obnoxious optimists around, I comfort myself and my mind and soul drifts to soundless sleep… 🙂


The post was written on August 17th, at about 2 AM. I slept off and forgot to publish it. Since I don’t have anything new to update, I thought it wouldn’t be a bad idea to publish it! 🙂

Categorized as Musings

By hari

A twenty-something support engineer, web developer, blogger and journalist who makes the web a better place for a living, at Automattic. Immensely passionate about WordPress! Also loves books, music, movies, and drinking hot cups of coffee on rainy evenings. Dreams of writing a book, someday.

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