Hari Shanker R

Hari Shanker R

A Happiness Engineer at Automattic.

First Love.

Sleepless nights are back again.

No, I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea – I haven’t caught the love bug again! 😐 But, fact is, that I wasn’t able to sleep for more than three hours a stretch, for the past week. I still can’t comprehend why/how it happened; perhaps some inscrutable chemical process in my brain was the culprit, apart from burgeoning acad-pressures. Somehow, the Gods of slumber  have started playing a rather queer game with me – my sleep would be inadequate during weekdays. But, weekends (or more precisely, Saturday nights) would see me snoring off, smashing all sleep records in the process. This Saturday Night was a personal record – 11.30 hours, straight! 😐

Coming back to the point, as I’d stay awake all night – I wouldn’t be doing anything of much value. It’d be just me, my PC, and  the new Samsung Star (not to mention other random bedroom-stuff) – forlorn in the cramped recesses of my bedroom. As I lay aimlessly on my cozy bed, headphones intact, with the room glistening to the myriad colours from the Fight Club screensaver – my mind would travel at blazing speed, playing back memories of my life in 1080p glory.

No points for guessing this, but a lion’s share of such memories would be about those mushy times I shared with my lady loves – imaginary (mostly) and otherwise (just once). 😀

Before you swear at me for writing about love for the umpeenth time, lend me an ear. (Or both, if you aren’t deaf in the other ear! 😛 )

I’m a hardcore romantic. No matter how much I’ve sacrificed for this guttural feeling (you’ve no idea how much!), no matter how much I advise counsel my buddies (and myself) about the virtues of staying single, love comes on top of my list, any day, any time. I could attribute such skewed priorities partly due to the stark fact that love INSPIRES me. Hell yeah! Each bit of success, and each minute achievement I have had in life, I owe it all to that divine feeling! True, I might have sacrificed more than what I gained, but still, the gains are closer to my heart than the losses. Besides, this is no game of poker to win or lose! No, I do not believe in the school of thought that life’s a game – if you want to argue, so be it! 🙂

Of all the crushes I’ve had, of all those ‘intimate moments’ I’ve shared, my first love remains closest to the heart!

It was wonderful –  it seemed, we were made for each other. We could just look into each others’ eyes and understand what the other person meant – reading thoughts was a daily affair. And she was amazingly-pretty,  so was her voice. I still tune into a particular radio station to listen to the voice of the RJ – whose voice is surprisingly similar to hers!  Every single day, we’d talk to each other for hours – even if we had nothing to say, we’d still keep talking  We haven’t had many intimate moments together, but the few were the best moments I’ve had in life. At one point in time, I was so sure I could marry her – I weaved dreams. We had children, grandchildren, and the family tree progressed – in my dreams.

But then, the wall came tumbling down. It was very sudden, and shocking! There was no going back, and it was no mistake of ours. The world around us changed so rapidly, that we failed to notice.

And then, I lost her.

Depression ensued. With huge effort, eventually I fought back my incessant tears – I had buddies who lent me shoulders to cry on. After a long long while, I learned to move on.

It’s exactly been two years now. Two years is a long long time – and I’m still single. Not that I despised female company after the incident. Quite ironically, my female-friend circle multiplied and today, my closest friends are all females. 🙂 Yes, I’ve moved on. But still, the quaint memories of  first love still linger in the portals of my mind. No, I don’t miss her, not one bit. I still believe that everything happened for good, and I found out ample reasons to drive the fact into my mind. It’s just those fond memories – they stay on, like a pleasant daydream one can remember and smile back at. The relationship did mould me in ways more than one; and despite everything, it was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had!

The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.

Benjamin Disraeli

P.S.

This video should explain my feelings  – It’s one of my favourite songs:

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