Categories
Love Narration

First Sight

I was on a drive with my cousin – he was dropping me off at a nearby bus-stop. Tech-support (one of my odd-jobs) lasted till late night, and Kowdiar (where he stayed) was three buses away from my place. Since I fixed his computer for free, Aravind annan (as I knew him) was obliged to drop me home. Now, Aravind  annan is my eldest cousin – he’s the oldest amongst us cousins in dad’s family and he works for the railways. Quite an intelligent chap, his bald head gives me caveats about my impending coiffure (or the lack of it). The twenty-year age-gap we had, made sure that our conversations were mostly intellectual, even bordering on the spiritual – we shared a passion for intense spirituality. We didn’t quite share a rapport that I enjoy with cousins of my age – he’d be the last person I’d confide in about my encounters with the opposite sex, but we were friends nonetheless.

We were discussing nuances of Vaishnavite tradition as annan drove, nay, dragged his Maruti Alto in sluggish thirties. Fourty was his speed limit, a couple of ravaging accidents in his younger years being the reason for the vigil, not that I was quite enamored by it. I was left with no choice – necessary evil. Annan‘s  foot spared the accelerator of its misery as we neared PMG Junction – a crossover square that connected our road to NH-47. If thirties are sluggish, tens are, well… a full f***ing stop! I rued my decision as my cousin calmly chanted a mantra to prove his spiritual point, manuevering the gear stick to First gear. That’s right, we were traveling at ten kilometers per hour in a virtually empty junction, at nine thirty pm. Insanely-crappy! Exasperated, I gave up on my argument, and glanced longingly at the empty road, brightly lit with halogen lamps. There was a statue of Subhash Chandra Bose right at the center of the junction with a circular grass-skirting. The night-lights added an aura to the towering Bose, and the beautifully-trimmed grass added a glistening aura to the martyr, making him seem…

Oh my God.

Oh my God.


OH. MY. GOD.


I’d given Janice quite a run for her money with the series of exclamations, but I had to do it.

I just saw the prettiest female I’d ever chanced upon, crossing the road by the statue!!!

She was exquisite. Clad in a floral white salwar adorned with blue petals, she was breathtakingly-pretty. Her face was unblemished (marvelously-ravishing actually). The two-second glimpse I saw, gave me visions of Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel. Perfection personified. Her flowing hair was the best part – it ran till the waist, and she repeatedly used her forearm to set it right, while her left hand managed a leather bag. Her expression was intriguing – a petulant impatience shrouded in put-on calm.

She was the one. And I needed no further thought to get that into my thick-fat head.

Meanwhile, a few things happened simultaneously. Never a multitasker, I broke all records of intelligent-thinking; and mustered up a plan to get talking to the female. I shook my cousin from his Vaishnavite reverie, gesturing at the bus that had just reached the stop – it was a direct bus to my place. Thanking him profusely, I opened the passenger door and bolted, waving him a cursory bye. Annan was actually glad that I dropped off early, the car’s fuel indicator hovered near ‘E’, and he wasn’ t exactly minting money at the railways; he swerved (at 5 k.m.p.h) and left –  humming  (a vocal carcass of ) an Ashtapathi.

The girl (woman actually) was roughly 25 m away from me. And by some divine grace of God, she still stood transfixed, she seemed like one of the cautious ones – waiting for the road to be totally empty. Interesting quality, I mused. In a few seconds, I caught up with her, and stood beside, waiting to cross the road with the lady. I turned left and took a closer look at her, and she turned to look at me. My vision still stood me in good stead – by God, she was THE prettiest! And she was tall – our heights ‘matched’. 😉 She could be older, but what the hell! Saif Ali Khan is my hero!

Then, she, nay WE crossed the road. Turned out that she wasn’t looking at me earlier, she was checking out for incoming vehicles to the right side, so that she could cross safe – but that did help! I wasn’t aware of the surroundings, in my mind’s eye, I was planning my wedding with this Goddess! Lost in fantasy, neither did I notice the direct-bus leave, nor did I observe the man donning a dark helmet on an old CD100 SS, waiting by the bus station. We were centimeters apart, and my arm did brush her palm once – and boy, that was electric! By now I’d started making love to her in my dreams as my conscious mind was searching at terabits per second for the best pick up line.

As we neared the bus stop – which was right-opposite to where we stood, I walked closer to her – God alone knows how I mustered courage to get my shelf self to get to talk! But I had to do it – I wanted to make her mine, then and there, and no force in the world could stop me.

Or so, I ass-u-me-d.

Surprisingly, she was walking away from the bus stop and me, towards the left, whereas the stop was on our right. Puzzled, I followed her – now I was behind her, probably a foot or two away. She gradually reduced her speed as she approached the parked CD100SS. I too followed suit. The man on the bike lifted up his helmet vizor and smiled, which she did not acknowledge . Before I could put a further step forward, she got on pillion and the man fired up his bike. They sped away. Taking my dreams along.

I did get a quick glimpse of the man on the bike -he stood underneath a sodium vapor lamp and I saw his face clearly, he was grossly unattractive. And surprisingly massive too. Who was he? Could be a brother, or maybe a  friend. A (boy) friend? A ‘customer’?

All adrenaline drained out, I trudged about the bus stop, dejected.

And I continued ‘dejecting’ for about one more hour, till eleven a.m. – no bus to my place as in sight. 😐 Finally, I had to get content with an overcrowded fast passenger, for which I had to pay extra. As I hit home,  I ended up hating public transport too! Parents’ mandatory back-home-abuses later, I retired with a heavy heart.

I found solace in Pratheesh‘s constant refrain:

2010 is our year, and we’ll be happy forever!


Categories
Love

A break too long and redundant

One month.

It’s quite a long time period in a human life-span of about seventy years. Yep, 1/840th of an entire lifetime, pretty big, going by the numbers, huh?

Before I write any more crap about the significance of one month in life, you’d have come up with a reason why I mentioned a month which such emphasis. Yeah, it’s been a month since I blogged. 🙂 Nope, it’s not the exams – normally, exams bring out the creative in me, as I’ve said a couple of times in this space. I’ve written the best of my posts battling university exams; I’ve even come up with the idea of writing a book, couple of years back, during a similar exam-season. But this time around, a certain mental block engulfed me. I simply couldn’t put pen to paper (wrong imagery in a digital age). Normally, I just had to sit down – the words would be flowing. But this time around, it simply DID NOT HAPPEN! The reasons are too far-fetched to delve into; for a while, I thought I was a simple person, an open book of sorts. But the past month, gave me insights into how complicated a person I am. 😀 By experience, I had gotten into the habit of making the simplest of things complicated (and vice versa, albeit occasionally). Procrastination, MY BIGGEST FLAW, was eating me up, slowly and steadily. A month was all it took, to kill my creativity and to get myself messed up – in ways more than one. 😀

Nevertheless, the past month – marked by an extended study leave and my last (regular) university exam of Engineering, was eventful. 😀

Fun

Doing nothing , when you’re supposed to mug tens of thousands of pages is an interesting experience. In an ironically-screwed-up manner of speaking, that is. 😛 Each day of mine would be characterized by obscenely-late waking hours, that would be as late as 11 or 12 AM. The hangover would a tad too much that I wouldn’t even be able to concentrate before the books. Diversions were the order of the day, and I fell prey to them. My friends-circle (or triangle, which is closer to reality – cause, technically, a circle is a figure with infinite vertices, which is rather far-fetched) provided much-needed solace in the mean time. Had some of the best times in life, during the past month. The month was indeed a wake up call, in terms of friendship – it was a paradigm shift of all. I saw new people enter my life, and some of them are inseparably close now! Of course, ‘loss’ – the inheritance of which, is etched in my mind as the biggest of life’s lessons. So I’m cautious this time. I should be wary of losses, but I’m hoping against hope that such a situation shall not arise.

Introspection

I got plenty of chances to introspect back at life. It’s a fun thing to do – watching yourself live your life in third person. Like a movie. I owe the replay to Vinnaithaandi Varuvaya – which was a virtual rewind of my life. Watching it three times, set off a saga of rewind. All those good times, all the moments of joy, of sadness, of euphoria, of pain; they “flashed before my mental eye, in a bliss of solitude”. 🙂 History is all about learning from the past  – and I realized where exactly things went wrong. Some of my mistakes were are irreparable – but, they grounded me, and I realized the value (and the joy) of making mistakes. 😀 I understood the ‘connect’ – there was an irrevocable connection between every incident of my life. Each occasion, each living, breathing moment had a meaning. I had found my purpose in life – I am Happiness Evangelist. 🙂 Spreading happiness to the world around me was my calling. I just LOVED seeing a person smile – perhaps God’s most beautiful expression among living beings. So, I’ve made my decision – I’m going to bring smiles to the people around me – I don’t know how, as yet. But I’ll sure figure out, in the long run.

Depression

Depression seems to be my steady-girlfriend; compensating (even bolstering and complimenting) my lack of real-feminine company. The cliche talks about the idle-mind-devil’s-workshop nexus; in my case, it’s a giant factory of sorts. 😛 The Devil has actually had too much of a field day in my mind, which has ensued in huge huge bouts of depression. 😛 The God-given power of hiding them before the world under the veil of a smile is a talent in itself – but it ended up draining me. By the time, I opened up floodgates of emotions, it was too late. These days, every other minute of  idle time would end up ushering in untold depression. The not-being-able-to-blog part ensued from the death of creativity was an added blow. Hence, I did my bit tackling the depression monster – and it was a fight quite well fought! Depression was always at bay, ready to pounce upon, and I had to be alert all the while. In a way, facing the depression monster was an experience by its own right.

Happiness

Yep, if depression’s my girlfriend, happiness would be my best buddy, personified by a few good people called F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Not the TV show, REAL buddies, if you misunderstood. 😀 They were there, period. And they did what they were supposed to do. Love them for that. Enough said. 🙂

Reading

My biggest hobby till date suffered an onslaught this exam season. Didn’t read much apart from regular acad stuff; couldn’t even glance through the newspapers. Hence, my general knowledge was at an abysmal low. Yet, managed to catch upon old favourites like ‘The Kite Runner’  – re-reading classics is always a pleasure. Caught bits and pieces of other books in my repository. Was good.

Social Networking

This was one activity that I repeatedly indulged in, over the past month. Which means, I was consistently online in gmail and Facebook. And I tried tweeting more occasionally after a while. Since I’m not into heavy duty apps in facebook like Mafia Wars/Farmville, et al, usage of the social networking site was mostly for status updates/photo uploads/comments et cetera. Meanwhile, I started a fanpage for ‘I chose the red pill’ and recorded a staggering 229 fans in a matter of two weeks. Huge record for the blog and personally for me. 🙂 Thanks a trillion for the support, guys. 🙂 You may join the fan page (or rather, ‘like’ it, in new fb terminology) by clicking the widget on the sidebar – only if you are a fan, that is. 😛

Writing

Journalistic and Creative Writing pursuits were mostly absent during the month. I couldn’t devote time for ‘The Hindu Metro Plus‘ – of which I’m a freelancer now. I mean, I HAD all the time in the world, but, well… it just wasn’t possible. Blame the procrastination. Nevertheless, I did my maiden translation job. Rehashed a series of articles in Malayala Manorama Online; translated articles originally in Malayalam to English. That was pretty much the only writing assignment.

Acads

Last, but never the least – they too did occupy a lion’s share of my time. Especially, towards the latter days of the gap. Hectic exams found me nerve-wreckingly tensed. Yet, they weren’t as hard as I’d expected them to be. 🙂 After a while, I did manage to get down to some tough-nut studies. It was hard, but I did manage to surmount procrastinational tendencies – can’t say I wasn’t entirely successful. But I guess I shall reap the benefits of perseverance, albeit minimal.

Looking back, the break was perhaps necessary evil – it was meant to happen. This blog is one of the few good things that has happened to me  (it actually tops the list). Leaving it astray for a month was a hard decision, but that decision proved wrong. 🙂 The facebook fan page was enough testimony – and that has given me my dose of inspiration and motivation. I can’t assure frequent updates till eternity, but I shall write as much as I can, even more; for all those who care to read.

This post is dedicated to everyone, who’s come here and had a dose of the red pill. You guys give me my blood, I’m alive today, thanks to you. 🙂 And I shall keep writing, as long as I’m alive. 🙂

Love,

Hari.

P.S.

Some of you have complained about this blog going down every now-and-then. Apparently, it’s a server side issue. Hence, I’m moving over to a new server. Hiccups with the site are expected. Kindly bear with ’em. I chose the red pill, will be up online, in 24 hours time. 🙂

Categories
Love

First Love.

Sleepless nights are back again.

No, I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea – I haven’t caught the love bug again! 😐 But, fact is, that I wasn’t able to sleep for more than three hours a stretch, for the past week. I still can’t comprehend why/how it happened; perhaps some inscrutable chemical process in my brain was the culprit, apart from burgeoning acad-pressures. Somehow, the Gods of slumber  have started playing a rather queer game with me – my sleep would be inadequate during weekdays. But, weekends (or more precisely, Saturday nights) would see me snoring off, smashing all sleep records in the process. This Saturday Night was a personal record – 11.30 hours, straight! 😐

Coming back to the point, as I’d stay awake all night – I wouldn’t be doing anything of much value. It’d be just me, my PC, and  the new Samsung Star (not to mention other random bedroom-stuff) – forlorn in the cramped recesses of my bedroom. As I lay aimlessly on my cozy bed, headphones intact, with the room glistening to the myriad colours from the Fight Club screensaver – my mind would travel at blazing speed, playing back memories of my life in 1080p glory.

No points for guessing this, but a lion’s share of such memories would be about those mushy times I shared with my lady loves – imaginary (mostly) and otherwise (just once). 😀

Before you swear at me for writing about love for the umpeenth time, lend me an ear. (Or both, if you aren’t deaf in the other ear! 😛 )

I’m a hardcore romantic. No matter how much I’ve sacrificed for this guttural feeling (you’ve no idea how much!), no matter how much I advise counsel my buddies (and myself) about the virtues of staying single, love comes on top of my list, any day, any time. I could attribute such skewed priorities partly due to the stark fact that love INSPIRES me. Hell yeah! Each bit of success, and each minute achievement I have had in life, I owe it all to that divine feeling! True, I might have sacrificed more than what I gained, but still, the gains are closer to my heart than the losses. Besides, this is no game of poker to win or lose! No, I do not believe in the school of thought that life’s a game – if you want to argue, so be it! 🙂

Of all the crushes I’ve had, of all those ‘intimate moments’ I’ve shared, my first love remains closest to the heart!

It was wonderful –  it seemed, we were made for each other. We could just look into each others’ eyes and understand what the other person meant – reading thoughts was a daily affair. And she was amazingly-pretty,  so was her voice. I still tune into a particular radio station to listen to the voice of the RJ – whose voice is surprisingly similar to hers!  Every single day, we’d talk to each other for hours – even if we had nothing to say, we’d still keep talking  We haven’t had many intimate moments together, but the few were the best moments I’ve had in life. At one point in time, I was so sure I could marry her – I weaved dreams. We had children, grandchildren, and the family tree progressed – in my dreams.

But then, the wall came tumbling down. It was very sudden, and shocking! There was no going back, and it was no mistake of ours. The world around us changed so rapidly, that we failed to notice.

And then, I lost her.

Depression ensued. With huge effort, eventually I fought back my incessant tears – I had buddies who lent me shoulders to cry on. After a long long while, I learned to move on.

It’s exactly been two years now. Two years is a long long time – and I’m still single. Not that I despised female company after the incident. Quite ironically, my female-friend circle multiplied and today, my closest friends are all females. 🙂 Yes, I’ve moved on. But still, the quaint memories of  first love still linger in the portals of my mind. No, I don’t miss her, not one bit. I still believe that everything happened for good, and I found out ample reasons to drive the fact into my mind. It’s just those fond memories – they stay on, like a pleasant daydream one can remember and smile back at. The relationship did mould me in ways more than one; and despite everything, it was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had!

The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.

Benjamin Disraeli

P.S.

This video should explain my feelings  – It’s one of my favourite songs:

Categories
Love Personal

Rendezvous!

Oodles of sweat oozed from beneath the layers of my epidermis as I bent myself in postures my physique would permit, in a bid for the best shot (if you would pardon the pun) of the bedazzling debate on stage. Capturing the sound and fury on lens wasn’t an easy task. Despite the air-conditioning, my sweat glands seemed to be on overdrive – the proof being a drenched Alen Solly shirt that haplessly clung onto my upper-torso like a soiled superhero jacket. Perspiration. Exhaustion. Fatigue. And you thought organizing a debate was as effortless as a Dan Brown book! Four days of relentless work from coding a website from scratch in a harrowing two-hour deadline, to criss-crossing the city in a battered bike braving thundering typhoons to single-handedly transporting 30-odd wooden chairs – I (happily) bore the brunt of it all! 🙂 And I rightly needed a sound sleep.

Even so, with suppressed weariness, I put my best foot forward, struggling with the minimal manual controls for the camera, in pursuit of that drop-of-the-hat Kodak moment. 😀 The bodily compulsions of aggravated metabolism rates notwithstanding, I achieved nominal success. Outstretched arms of angst, eyes burning with passion, menacing expressions that hid deep loathe – I had them all in the memory card. I hadn’t lost my touch, yet! 😀

As I was deftly trying to capture a dodgy frame of a vociferous (female) debator, my friend, a co-organizer, ran to me, phone in hand. The eclectic music collection in my phone became solace to his music-starved self – he had to listen to a particular track at that very instant and had grabbed away my phone a few minutes ago. My phone vibrated nonchalently in his outstretched hand a contact image flashed on the screen. –  an image I’ve always loved and adored. The green top, the curly hair, the smiling face. Involuntarily, I smiled in recognition.

It was her.

Almost as if in reflex, I grabbed the phone and sprinted over to a corner of the hall. I’d called her a few  minutes back, knowing she’d be on her way back home, after a  seminar elsewhere. She couldn’t take my call then and had called back. I almost felt ecstatic as I’d listened to that chirpy “Hello”. I’d started listening to a particular program on FM, just because the RJ”s voice had a striking similarity to her voice!! For a couple of instants, I couldn’t utter anything – her voice had its charm, and I needed time to regain consciousness! 😛 She appologized first for not being able to answer the call and said that she was on her way back home. My face lit in glee. I asked her where exactly she was at the moment and she answered that she’s close to the place where I was located. I commanded asked requested her to get down then and there! It was late, already and she protested – meekly though. On further insistance, she complied and said a YES!

I was the happiest dude in the planet!

Thrusting the camera to a girl who stood nearby, I bolted! Her voice was like a shot in the arm, I no longer felt any fatigue pulling me backward.  Dodging the crazy city traffic, cutting across roads, barely avoiding getting hit by huge trucks, I ran. I could feel my lungs puff out, but I couldn’t care lesser. When you’re in the quest to satiate your quenching heart, nothing else matters! 😀 500 metres of sprinting, and I spotted her silhoutte from distance. She was resting by a wall near by the bus-stop, actually, sitting on its lower pedestal. I could feel my cheeks heat up as blood gushed up into my veins. I walked towards her, her face becoming clearer as I approached. She was gorgeous by her own right – the cynosure being her curly hair. At first, I never liked curly hair – even my hair was unbearably curly, but after meeting her for the first time, I started adoring it. It suited her perfectly, and accentuated the beauty of her angelic, round face – perfectly sculpted, like a skin-cream model. So were her jet-black eyes and neatly-threaded eyebrows. They emanated a powerful, charming, and equally disarming gaze. She hadn’t changed one bit, since our last meeting, a couple of weeks back. But, she’d chosen to wear one among the few salwar kameezes she owned. A pink-and-violet one. I’d seen it in pics, but never knew it’d suit her so well. She was lost in thought, and the expression  of her pensive face was quite delightful, indeed!

I went close to her and muttered a quick “Hello!”. She gazed up at me and graced me with the best one of many brilliant smiles. Her smiles were again, the BEST, I’d seen. So mind-blowingly-awesome. I almost lost balance and fell down on the road. The two of us gazed knowingly at each other for, probably, and extra-long second, and we walked together. I was reminded of our first ‘walking the talk’, a year back. It was our first meeting and the walk was pretty long – it still remained etched in the portals of my mind.

Having not had a proper conversation for over a month now, we chit chatted all the way. I talked as she listened and interacted. That was another thing I’d loved about her. She was the perfect listener. I loved to gaze deep into her jet black eyes as she listened intently to whatever I said. She was tired from an extra-boring seminar and was worried whether parents would scold her for being late. Yet, she forgot her blues for me, and listened intently. 😀 I told her about my gaffes with booking the CAT Slots, and surprisingly, she too had done the same! 😛 Her eyes grew wide with surprise – it looked cuter now, I had to suppress my instinct to pinch her cheeks! I enlightened her about the procedures to be followed. I couldn’t help but keep staring at the jet black which peered deeply into mine! Nonetheless, I realized that the gaffe actually proved an opportunity – we could actually share seats in the same CAT train and actually give the exam together. I joked about that to her, and she playfully agreed! 😀

By that time, we’d actually reached the auto stand, and it was time for her to leave – it was pretty late by then. The realization that 15 minutes sped away fast took some time to dawn upon me. I badly wanted more of her time, and I had to restraint myself from asking her out (literally), this late. With some coaxing, she might give in, but it’d only cause untold problems at her place. Finding an auto for her and waving goodbye, I walked back to the hall, happiness and joy bustling within me in a fountainhead!

This time, I almost told how I felt for her, but a part of mine simply refused to. I’d missed out on a lot of opportunities that I had to make her feel how I felt, and it’s been more than a year, now! Maybe, I was afraid I’d lose my best friend to love! Or maybe, the time is not yet right.

But I’m sure, I’m drop dead sure it’s love! <3

P.S.

Readers are requested to take the contents of this post  literally.

Update:

Contrary to what you might’ve felt, this post is just a figment of my imagination. 🙂 But it was too fictitious to be real, I still have vivid memories in my mind. I thought I’d write it down here. Forgot to mention that part when I posted it first. 😀