Hari Shanker R

Hari Shanker R

A Happiness Engineer at Automattic.

Kowdiar Lights: The Call!

‘Kowdiar Lights’ is a two part series. As the name inexorably suggests, the series is about some  stuff that happened over the past week during my visits to this very posh part of Trivandrum City called Kowdiar. For dummies, Kowdiar is home to  countless chicks, some of the richest people in the state, super-awesome roads (by Trivandrum standards, that is!) and of course, one of the worst Cafe Coffee Day‘s in India!

The gold plated needles of my Bosch watch glistened under the evening ‘Lights of Kowdiar’ (which have a special aura thanks to the ‘international’ feel of the place – Golf Links residents will know better!). 3:50 PM, it read. I was twenty five minutes early to my ‘appointment’ with Aravind – Ol’ buddy and one of the most brilliant, talented and humble guys I’ve ever known! I’ve been his fan for a while, and when he invited me for a ‘treat’ at CCD that day, the last thing I could do was to resist. I thought I’d be late as always for the treat, but like bolt from blue, my post-noon Computer Networks lab session was canceled. Ergo, I was free (and jobless) by 2 PM! Despite stringent attempts to kill time by choosing a birthday gift for a friend and browsing through random magazines at the public library, I couldn’t do much to solve my joblessness quagmire. Thus, for the first time in years, I reached somewhere on time ahead of time. Half an hour ahead.

Within no time, the jobless monster resumed attack in full swing. I criss-crossed the wide avenue in front of CCD countless times, faked calls, fired texts and what not! Tough luck, the usually packed CCD was near-empty and there wasn’t a single good looking girl inside! Besides, I was out of cash, ergo, I couldn’t go in alone. To cut a long story short, I was harried, haggard and ultimately pissed-off like the proverbial ‘water-water-everywhere-not-a-drop-to-drink’ guy, when I got this call.

Nature’s call.

It all started as a ‘pressure variation’. Going by the good ol’ Boyle’s Law, I decided that Volume would be inversely proportional to pressure, and ‘devolumation’ (now, don’t look that up – it’s just another random word!)  could wait, for the volume will decrease with pressure. Not for long. In a couple of minutes’ time, the pressure mounted to unmentionable proportions, leaving me at wits’ end! Along came clarity of thought and a stingy teaspoon of truth – Boyle’s law was applicable only for gases!! I had no other option, but to let go of all the pressure through a very healthy outlet!

CCD had a loo, but getting in would mean sacrilege, considering my precarious finances, for I would have to stay there once I got inside! Naturally, I followed my instincts and did what any human being would resort to – I ran in search of clearance, right into the nearby lane – Belhaven Gardens. The surreptitious signboard beguiled me into assuming that lane to be poor man’s colony – an impression suitably flushed out (if you will pardon the pun) by a swanky BMW SUV parked near an equally surreptitious house! There were people everywhere, the houses were posh and tall with large boulevards – each sporting a minimum of two overpriced sedans! I’d be  kicked in the arse  straight by PC408 at Museum Police Station if I’d pee here! My mind was blank, and I ran. Or rather, I walked at a brisk pace. Running was out of question, a wrong step would lead only to involuntary release of all my body toxins, and that was the last thing I wanted!

Somehow, escaping pregnant glances of passers-by, I slipped into a sublane. Perfect place, I first thought. Relieved, I’d barely opened my zip, when I saw this mini lorry parked at the other end of the lane. The driver opened the front door and jumped out to  smoke a joint. He was walking towards me. 😐 Cursing lack of privacy, I resumed my pursuit further through this sublane, ending up in Devaswam Board Junction. Much to my relief, I noticed a tiny bride-type road at one corner of the junction. That road was the one few people would give a second thought about. With all might my self control would permit, I ran towards the decrypt lane!!

All hopes of peeing there was dashed by a makeshift teashop swarmed by a motley crowd, at the mouth of the lane. 😐 I hadn’t seen them before, they weren’t there!! How in the world could they apparate into that area at the very opportune moment?! 😐

Without losing faith, I clutched my bag and casually walked inside the lane. There might be a way out! (<– Pun)  Sweat was oozing from all parts of my body – not just because of the tiresome sprints from Kowdiar to Devaswam Board. My mind was blank and eyebrows contorted in painful scorn, as my body shivered with each step. This was the ultimate test of self control. I thought I’d just let go then and there. An inner voice was the only guiding light, now! I walked for about a hundred metres and reached a tiny bridge, surrounded by some undergrowth. There were houses flanking my right side and the left side was a solid stone wall.

Finally!

I heaved a sigh and unzipped my fly. I took my mobile from my shirt pocket and held it in the right hand, mouthing a a voiceless conversation just to avoid an embarrassing situation, if any passer-by were to poke his nose into my privacy! As I was about to relieve myself, a crumpled old figure walked towards me through the other end of the bridge. I froze. She, presumably, couldn’t see that I was about to pee, thanks to a melange of foliage right in front of me!  Gradually an casually, I turned ninety degrees, phone carefully clutched to the ear and pretended a phone call. I didn’t give another glance to the old lady. As I saw walk by me and get ahead with the corner of my eye, I didn’t waste another moment!

I swerved faster than Schumi’s Ferrari and peed into the foliage like a madman!!

That was *THE* BEST peeing experience I’ve ever had – an enjoyable process that took almost thirty seconds to complete and made me lighter by a kilogram or so! I closed my eyes in deep relief and zipped my fly, only to hear a muffled voice and open up!

It was a fseven year old kid, peeping at me through the iron grilled windows of his house – the kid was laughing his arse off, he apparently had been witness to the entire incident!

I smiled an embarrased smile to this ‘PeePal’ and ran back to Cafe Coffee Day!

The woods were lonely, dark and deep, and I had people to meet!

23 Comments

  1. Abhijith

    "The driver opened the front door and jumped out to smoke a joint."

    Lorrykaarokke ithrakk dhairyamaayitt public aayitt joint pokaykkan thodangiyo ??

    Anyway, this revokes memories of many such embarrassing peeing moments in my life . Good post da ..

  2. Aravind

    Hmm, my very dear friend. I know that you are very effusive when it comes to showering friends with exaggerated praises. Although I myself am an exponent at the art of measured flattery, bro, it was a bit too much this time. Moreover, your readers must have already formed a bad opinion about me cos I look like a lame ass who makes people wait…..in fact that is the truest thing anyone has ever written about me. So, thank you!

    Next post should involve the book, the girl and the photograph you took. Looking forward to that one.

  3. Sriram

    LOLOL!! Awesome.. but koodiya vaakkokke use cheythu oru funny post-ine ichiri over akki 😛

    Anyway, the seconds just after you start peeing oughta be worth all the effort and er.. pressure!

  4. Sibin

    Dey, in situations like this, shoot them sedans, lorry drivers, old hags and them chicks. Instead be a true blood Indian and open your load anywhere you feel like macha!

  5. suraj

    indeed awesome… had a good time skimming through.. Anyways i dont think the people at ccd would charge you for getting in and peeing for once, i could say that jus cz in kinda similar situation i found myselves at ccd'd a couple of times.(saved on walks and sweats:P:D)..

    btw wat has figure 1 got to do with this one??

  6. andy

    sobs!!

    craftly written!!

    i fazed quite the same pressures while on a KSRTC frm EKM to TVM. the roads too didnt help soothe the lurking pressure!!every sec of that journey went at an hours pace!!quite an ordeal!!pheww!!

    all said,

    so wat do distressed,pressure crumbling & social-peephobics lyk we need…

    "MUGGIES" – huggies 4 men!!

    http://www.huggies.co.in/default.aspx
    r u listenin

  7. andy

    on a serious note..tre is hardly any public toilet scheme in tvpm..hyderabad has a superbly maintained system in place. they even stand out as the prominent landmarks at many locations!!

    the "thotta" MP mr.ramachandran nair had, during the polls, hinted at such a system on his "to do" list for the city..

    i recommend u to tweet tis to sharoor!!

    ini orikalum ee avastha oru trivandrumitinum undakathe irikkatey!!

  8. Srivardhan

    Hilarious post! 😀

    Something similar happened to me when i was little.. it was during one of those humanity-infested temple festivals, where i seemingly had nowhere to run.. i finally found a transformer with no one around.. it was *while* relieving my urgency that i realised with shock (no, i hadn't made contact!)…that there were MEN up there, working on the transformer!!!

  9. hari

    @ Aravind:

    Dude!! You weren't late. It was just me who was being early!! And my words of praise are actually too low to sing your virtues. I'll forever be your fan! 😀

  10. hari

    @ Sibin:

    Korachu nanavum manavum ollathu kondaanu angane onnum cheyyathirunnathu! Anyways, I'm taking your advice. Next time, it's the roadside!! 😛

  11. Pingback: Kowdiar Lights: The Quest | I chose the red pill

Comments are closed.

© 2017, Hari Shanker R. Some Rights Reserved.
Creative Commons License
%d bloggers like this: